initial interest was nothing more than a fleeting nightmare. boys just look you in the eye when they only want to get you into bed, get you into their lives. then they promise you everything, like "we'll have paris" and "the stars only breathe for you" and you'll believe them just because you have nothing better to do and you end up getting hurt time after time but still you fill yr calendar up with jeff on monday and matt on tuesday and ben on wednesday and cameron on friday and johnny every sunday. and you know they're just after one thing. poetic seduction with a fatal ending, this i swear is my life and it just never gets any better.

yesterday in the back room at a store i read messages written by lost lovers and i wasn't supposed to be in there but i wanted to get away from the smell of everything gone wrong .. one said "i love jim forever -<3-" and i wonder if she still loves jim and if jim still loves her and where are they now? do they fall asleep in each other's arms every night or is it a battle to make it through the day? do their kids cry at night because daddy hit mommy again and this time she's really hurt? or do they bring home straight a's because that's what mommy and daddy taught them to do? i read another one but it was written in red and red never means anything good when it comes to falling in love. that's the problem with my future: it's all written and smeared in red.

i walked home because i can't stand cars anymore and i passed a tree and carved in it were four intials surrounded by a heart and i wonder, why deface a beautiful tree for an adjustable love? so i took out my camera and snapped a picture because i want to remember how it felt to see the result of bravery (conquerable fears, i know).. so i continued walking stepping out onto the streets filled with rain water .. i took off my sandals and hoped that i would feel better. maybe remember something more from my childhood other than the screaming and fighting with my brother. but instead i just felt the aches of every bruise and heartache i could never forget.

it just made me think of rain.

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